From dread to desperation

I have been dreading to get the results of my math long test today, and find out that I failed it. Fortunately, our teacher haven't finished checking the papers yet. But although she didn't return our papers, she discussed the answers with us, which was more torturous seeing that my answers did not tally with hers. There, sitting infront between my classmates Martin and Lee-anne, I anxiously listened to our teacher's discussion. Every time I get an item wrong I try to hide my disappointment and silently hope that she would give me partial points for trying to answer the question. I got a 97/100 and a 100 perfect in my last two long test; from there I thought that it was possible for me to attain a grade of 90 to get exempted in the finals. That was my goal, but since my grade in the third long test will be much lower than my first two, I find that it's not as possible as before.

It was quite unlike me to make a big thing of my grades in math. In fact, on my first year first semester math, it only mattered that I pass. But now seeing as it is quite attainable to get a 90 or above and to get exempted from the finals. All of my friends knew that it was my goal to get exempted, and the whole room knew that I got very high grades in my two long tests, since the teacher always announce the top three highest scores.

And then I realized that although I truly regret getting a lower grade than my previous two exams, I was more bothered at what the rest of the class will think when they found out that I got a lower grade. I have built an impression that I can easily get high grades, and I don't want to disappoint that image. It was probably the "politician" in me who pleases everyone and live up to the expectation of others.

Having knowledge of this, I realized just how caged I am.